I LOVE YOU

I have thought so much about how and why I put so much meaning into 'I Love You' and hearing you it said back to me. I have spent so much time thinking, dissecting, understanding what goes on in me and why it matters so much to me. I thought I would explain where I am at right now with it. This hasn't been discussed with Sandy, these are my thoughts and work.  When I say I love you to you it's something that is moving to me. I love you as a phrase carries a different meaning. I know that the phrase can take the form of objective and subjective statements. I love you is objective to me because it is factual. When I dig deeper it also has the subjective implications of meaning 'I'll never leave you', 'you make my heart beat faster', 'we can get through anything', 'I have faith in us', etc. All of these things are reasonable implications. When I understood this I was able to dig deeper and understand what impacts me so much when I don't hear it back. They both deal with my baggage of life. The big reason is that I believe that anything can happen at any time and I would always want you to know how I felt. All of the subjective reasons are associated with the objective claim. This stems from Hunter and me not knowing what he was planning. I fear that if I don't say it you won't know and no matter what I always want you to know you carry my heart. - Something I've never told you is that this is only something I've done with you. Which may be good or bad. It's just that you're the only person I've been in love with. The idea of you not knowing is selfish, yes, and also crippling to me.
The other reason is my association and romanticized ideas of the phrase. When I have heard that phrase before it has been conditional - to an extent I believe that others' love for me has been conditional. The phrase had been expressed in ways that couldn't make it through trial or tribulation. Only said in good behavior, certain times, etc. I romanticize that it can be said through anger, frustration, hardship as a subjective implication to me that 'this will work out', 'i'm upset but you have my heart Tuck', etc. This is my projection put upon you, and the feelings and frustration that I feel are tied to me believing/thinking it doesn't have to be conditional.
I'm saying this to own that I have put this projection upon you. I have to allow you to be and express how you want aside from my thoughts and baggage. With hearing you say 'I love you' back to me I have only exemplified my pain and struggles with the phrase. What I can say through this deep thinking is that I know that things can be different. I know that you love me, Sam, even if you don't say it after I do because of how you are toward me and the other small acts you do. That is my work and mindfulness to know. It is challenging, and it will be, but I am committed to it. You deserve to express yourself how you want and for me not to call you out for doing something that is what you want in this situation. I'm sorry I've put that on you and been rough about it.